


i act like i know (but i'm really just a kid)

by Hazazel



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Break Up, Self-Indulgent, enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-23 04:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23005465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hazazel/pseuds/Hazazel
Summary: Without thinking, feeling like his heart is being wrenched out of his chest, Tetsurou walks to the door. He opens it like a machine, and barely remembers to take his keys and coat before the door slams behind him. He hears another sob, louder than the others, strangled, before the door closes, but it’s too late.He just broke up with his boyfriend.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru, side BokuAka - Relationship
Comments: 41
Kudos: 107





	1. stitches

**Author's Note:**

> ok ok so. listen. this was written like three years ago when i was really sad for no reason (i wasn't even going through a break up lol), and heard the song "say something (i'm giving up on you)" in a store and started crying. enjoy !

_Tetsu,_

_You'd never yelled so loud, and this time, I think that's it – you're leaving and you won't return. I had it coming. After all, I made no move to hold you back._

  
  


The house shakes under their shouts, but Tetsurou can't hold himself back. It's too much, everything is too much, like an overflowing bathtub, the water of which threatens to drown him. He doesn't even care about what started their fight, a dirty pair of pants, a bitter remark, nothing at all – that's probably it. They don't need anything to fight these days, as if all the hatred they'd contained until now showed up in a fury of screaming.

Hatred against what ? Everything was going well. Classes were going well, they each had a little flat they rented to be closer to uni, their friends were with them, they'd been together for almost a year. Everything should go well.

“Are you even listening ?” Tooru snaps. His features are drawn in disgust, and that looks bad on him, but now is not the time to comment on it.

“What, want me to listen to you saying I'm selfish because I don't wanna do laundry ?” Tetsurou said this without thinking but seeing Tooru's face twist, he thinks he must have hit the mark. He is once more being yelled at for nothing, and it's starting to – it's been getting on his nerves for a while. “Fuck, Tooru, we said laundry was you and housekeeping was me, it's not hard to remember ! You just have to keep the floor clear of your clothes if you don't wanna stumble in your dirty pants !”

“I wasn't even talking about this,” Tooru ends up replying, tears in his eyes. “You're not even listening.”

“Because you always say the same stuff !”

Tetsurou's voice is gonna break from shouting so loud, but seeing Tooru cry is something he can't stand – even after all these fights. He's not doing it on purpose, that's the worst part – Tooru is genuinely hurt and that's like twisting a knife in his guts.

“I'm sick of this ! I don't see why we only have rules here ! Let's have some at your place so you can see how bothering that is.”

“I thought we lived together, I must have been mistaken,” Tetsurou spits.

“You live with that owl, that, I hear about,” Tooru says, venom in his voice.

“Shut up ! Bo has nothing to do with all this !”

  
  


_I said horrible things, Tetsu, I'm really sorry. I didn't think, I just – shouted to shout louder than you, as with all our fights. I think – I_ know _you're right. I'm really sorry_.

  
  


They have to calm down or they'll say something they regret. Just like last time, except today Tetsurou doesn't think an evening of forced silence and hate sex will make it all better.

“Tooru, I'm just tired-”

“Because you think I'm fine ?” he screams, almost hysterical. “I haven't eaten at all today but right, what matters is the laundry. Exams are in two weeks, may I remind you, I won't fail just because you're a cleaning freak.”

 _There's other things I wanna do rather than watch you crawl in filth because you think exams are more important that your own well being_ , Tetsurou would like to say, but the words clog in his throat when Tooru starts crying for good, the living room feeling like a battlefield.

That's all their life has become, a perpetual war, a long winter of harrowing winds that Tetsurou doesn't see an end to. He sighs, extending his arms towards Tooru so he can nest there – once more their fight will remain unresolved, but that's better than letting their words take on the greenish tint of the acid they embody.

  
  


_I love you. I don't know if you'll ever forg_ _ive_ _me._ _I was stupid and I regret it so, so much_.

  
  


“Don't you dare touch me,” Tooru says when he gets closer, “I don't care about your misplaced pity.”

Too late. The words sting, especially after Tetsurou's peace offering – if things are like this, he too can play dirty.

“But you _are_ pitiful, look at yourself, Tooru ! When have you last showered ? You didn't even eat ! You're turning into a slump. I'm dating a slump.”

Tooru recoils as if burned. His crying turns shallow, sniffles of pain in between every breath – Tetsurou too feels like he's choking. He knows he's right though, it can't go on like this. Tooru is going to destroy them both if he keeps at it.

  
  


_I know you won't forgive me, and I would lie if I told you it's ok, that I'll manage without you by my side_.

  
  


“So what, then, I keep watching you ruin everything ? You're not even capable of cooking yourself a meal and you want me to shut up ? Seriously, Tooru, you need help.”

_Weak_ ,  _pathetic_ – Tetsurou can hear himself, an echo of their previous fights,  of what Tooru thinks of himself. H e closes his eyes, breathes in deeply to calm himself down, and speaks again without looking at Tetsurou.

“Get out. Get out of my house now, I don't wanna see you anymore. Go the fuck away.”

Tetsurou can't believe it – he's trying to help, even if he must go through hell for it, and Tooru…

“What, you wanna break up ?” Tetsurou feels sick just saying the words.

“Fuck off ! I can't stand this, I can't stand this, get out of my house !”

A vice grip clenches around his thoughts.

  
  


_You were out the door so quick. I didn’t even have the time to say anything, and I’m afraid this time you’re gone for good. I’m so afraid, Tetsu, you’re not here anymore and I don’t know what to do._

  
  


Without thinking, feeling like his heart is being w renched out of his chest , Tetsurou walks to the door. He opens it like a machine, and barely remembers to take his keys and coat before the door slams behind him. He hears another sob, louder than the others, strangled, before the door closes, but it’s too late.

He just broke up with his boyfriend.

  
  


_I love you. I love you, if only you knew how much I love you._

_Oikawa Tooru, your ex._


	2. somebody that i used to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wehehe i'm back with angst.

_Tooru,_

_It’s been, what, three weeks since we last talked ? Three weeks of nothing, with exams who couldn’t manage to fill up th_ _e_ _gaping hole in my heart. It’s empty without you, Tooru_.

  
  


The door barely opens before Tooru violently shuts it close. He remains frozen for a few seconds, shaking with fear, sadness, and even a little joy – Tetsurou is on the other side, determined look on his face, and Tooru knows why he’s here. He’s coming to take back all the stuff that made his flat _theirs_ , he’s coming back to erase all traces of his existence from Tooru’s life.

He can’t take it.

When he wakes up, Tooru doesn’t wonder why he dreamt of this. Why he’s been dreaming of this every night for three weeks. It’s bound to happen eventually, Tetsurou has always been really attached to his stuff. Especially course material.

There were exams, that Tooru miserably failed, what a surprise. Not enough work, not enough sleep. Tetsurou was right and after three weeks spent thinking about all of their fights on a loop, Tooru can admit that, to himself at least.

He doesn’t know how he’d react if his nightmare came true, if Tetsurou really came back for his stuff. He always wakes up before the end. He doesn’t want to imagine it.

  
  


_You blocked my number. I wanted to ask when I could come back for my stuff, but I couldn’t reach you. I wonder if you changed the lock as well, so I can never come in again._

  
  


He couldn’t stand the phone ringing anymore, so Tooru blocked him. He can’t answer, not right now, maybe not ever. Hajime sometimes comes by – he’s got a spare key.

“Can I come by ?” is the last text he got from Tetsurou, and he almost cried with sheer panic – his nightmare is coming true. For a moment Tooru wants to hide Tetsurou’s belongings, somewhere, anywhere, just to keep some of them for himself. Tetsurou would call him selfish. He is.

Someone knocks and Tooru startles, throat dry. Hajime was supposed to arrive at 6.

  
  


_Today, Bo’s coming to take my stuff. All the things I left at your flat while I still lived there – fucking hell, I miss it. It hurts how much I miss it. I don’t think getting back three hoodies and a volleyball poster will change anything to this_.

  
  


“I’m here for Tetsu’s stuff,” a voice asks through the door.

Tooru doesn’t know what hurts more – that Tetsurou didn’t come in person, or hearing this nickname said by someone else than himself. When he’s decided not to answer, the door opens. Tetsurou must have given him the key, so he could come in even if Tooru wasn’t there – and then he realises, he isn’t supposed to be here, he’s supposed to be in class. Bokuto was just being polite. T ooru would readily slap him with his manners if he could.

Bokuto doesn’t seem surprised to find him here, slouched on the couch in the middle of his notes, crumpled tissues and way too many coffee mugs.

“I’ve come for his stuff,” Bokuto repeats softly, like it’ll make things less painful.

He’s brought a huge bag and Tooru has to stop himself fro calling him a thief – those aren’t his belongings, after all.

They once were, though.

  
  


_I made a list. All the stuff I left at your place, or at least, that’s what I told Bo. He believed me, I_ _think_ _. Kenma knows I’m not like that, he knows I can’t keep going on as if nothing ever happened, as if I never knew you. The list is still on the table. Bo forgot it when he left. He’s gonna call and I’ll have to read it. I think I’m going to cry._

  
  


Tooru only starts crying when Bokuto is done writing down the list and hangs up. He will at least have the satisfaction of not letting Tetsurou hear him sob. Bokuto looks at him with pity, and Tooru tries not to cry even harder – he fails. One by one, the hoodies disappear, same for the ridiculous shirts and the ugly scarves. Half the wardrobe would be gone if Bokuto’s bag wasn’t full. He asks if he can come back.

“Sure, go along, you have the key,” Tooru spats, and Bokuto thankfully shuts up.

He doesn’t comment on Tooru’s clothes. They must all be on the list, down to his boxers. He’s gonna have to do laundry very soon. Bokuto doesn’t comment on that either.

  
  


_Not everything was on the list. First of all because I don’t remember everything I left, I was living there, I don’t even know where my notes are. Probably on your couch, mixed with yours. I also left all your presents. I wonder if you’d have asked for them. I wonder if you didn’t throw them out already_.

  
  


The cat shaped mugs are strewn around the room but Bokuto ignores them in favour of the ugliest chemistry ones. As if Tetsurou cares so little he doesn’t even want to keep Tooru’s gifts. He didn’t even come in person, Tooru shouldn’t expect much of him, but he’s been crying for days and nothing hurts more than social interaction right now. Fighting with someone who’s not there isn’t on his to-do list.

Tooru wonders if he’d have cried, in front of Tetsurou, if he’d have begged for him to come back.

  
  


_I wonder if you’ll notice what I’m trying to do. If you’re gonna throw it all back in my face, the good as well as the bad. The cat hoodie you stole one night because you were cold, my ugly socks on which you spilled coffee, the blanket that fell off the_ _kotatsu_.

  
  


Bokuto leaves and Tooru is swallowed by a wave of emptiness. Small voids where objects used to be, and aren’t anymore. Everything that remains from Tetsurou taunts him, as if saying he could lose even more. Tetsurou isn’t there to use them.

“Everything’s yours, angel,” he always said.

It doesn’t hurt any less to think of that now.

  
  


_I miss everything. You especially._

_I love you,_

_Tetsurou_.


	3. amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait in between chapters... i suck at posting. anyway ! it's here ! more angst :3 enjoy

_Tetsu,_

_I don’t know what to do. I miss you. I know writing it down but not telling you is stupid, Hajime repeats it again and again, but if I tried talking to you… I’m afraid of what could happen. I feel so lost, Tetsu. I need your help. I love you. I’m sorry._

_Tooru_

  
  


The waiting room of the hospital smells like antiseptics an Tetsurou remembers it all too well from the times Tooru scrubbed at his skin till it was raw. Bokuto’s eyes are red, he must have cried – Tetsurou would have, but he feels like he ran out of tears.

“You can go see him,” a nurse says softly, as if not to scare them.

They’re afraid. It must show. Akaashi scared them to death when he collapsed like that, without any warning, but Tetsurou can’t feel it in him to care as much as Bokuto, who’s been biting at his lips and fingers on the way to the room.

Akaashi’s eyes light up when they enter, and he lets out a weak “Hey,” before he’s smothered by Bokuto.

“You’re crushing him,” Kenma says.

Akaashi says it’s fine, blissful expression on his face, and Tetsurou’s heart clenches.

  
  


_Tetsu,_

_I missed the first hour of class because I saw you in the streets. I ran home and locked the door behind me. It wasn’t you, of course it wasn’t – I almost cried when you didn’t chase after me. Hajime thinks I was afraid, but he’s wrong. I must still love you._

_Tooru_.

  
  


“I was so fucking worried,” Bokuto whispers, like a love poem.

Akaashi is smiling and smiling, as if Bokuto could by himself erase the heavy atmosphere of the hospital, the bed in which he lays, the suffocating smell of medicine. Kenma looks at him from the corner of their eye, but Tetsurou shakes his head –  this is not a good time for feeling like shit. H e’ll be depressed about his own love life later, when Akaashi is back in his flat, safe and sound. He hopes Bokuto will come with Akaashi – Tetsurou wants to be alone.

  
  


_Tetsu,_

_Hajime came today and I couldn’t even fake a smile. He called me “Tooru” and I started sobbing. “Your break-up isn’t going as well as it could,” he said. I sneered. He tried to take the cat mugs, saying it’d help me change my mind about things. He broke one on accident – or maybe it was me. I seem to break everything lately._

_I don’t even know if I’m allowed to tell you I love you._

_Tooru_.

  
  


The nurse comes back to take Akaashi’s  blood pressure and they have to leave the room – “You’re making his heart do somersaults, young men,” she scold s them with a smile. They’re back in the waiting room and Bokuto is at the end of his rop e. He’s writhing on his chair, and he laughs out of sheer relief when the nurse comes back to tell them Akaashi will be ok. They’ll change his meds and he shouldn’t have low blood pressure unexpectedly again.

“I miss him so fucking much, bro, it’s like he’s been in there for days !” Bokuto sighs.

Tetsurou doesn’t remember the last time he saw Tooru.

  
  


_Tetsurou,_

_I don’t remember the last time we kissed. I’ve thought and thought again but I can’t remember, as if it’d been so long I couldn’t even p_ _inpoint_ _it. I’m afraid of forgetting more._

_Tooru_.

  
  


He couldn’t get up from his chair. Bokuto and Akaashi are better left alone anyway, so it’s good that he and Kenma stayed behind.

Tetsurou feels so incredibly guilty f or not even being happy about Akaashi being ok, f or having to look away every time he and Bokuto are affectionate, but he misses Tooru so much  that words can’t express it.

  
  


_Tetsurou,_

_I still have all the pictures I took of you. There are hundreds in my phone, and you forgot the photo albums at my house. I looked at them yesterday and felt the very cliché urge to tear them all apart, to never have to see your face again. But even that, I fear I’ll forget._

_Tooru_.

  
  


“What time is it ?” Kenma asks, after what seems like an eternity.

Tetsurou gets his phone out, and Kenma steals it from his hands as soon as he unlocks it. He’s still playing volleyball, and he should have way better reflexes, but they seemed to have completely disappeared since he spends his nights overthinking about everything he could have done better.

“He’s still your wallpaper,” Kenma comments, eyes on the picture of Tetsurou and Tooru in front of the Tokyo tower. “How are you supposed to forget about him if you won’t even change that ?”

Tetsurou doesn’t want to forget.

  
  


_Tetsurou,_

_This time, it really was you, with Kenma and Tobio-chan. You didn’t even see me. Maybe you did, but you didn’t recognise me. I bet you never cried over pictures of me, after all, since the albums are with me. Maybe you’ve forgotten all about me. You were smiling, and it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen._

_I wish I could be happy you’re smiling again._

_Tooru_.

  
  


Kenma stops speaking when they realise Tetsurou is not listening to them anymore, silent tears falling from his eyes, and they hold his hand tight.

“I’m gonna kick him,” Kenma says when Tetsurou wipes at his face.

“It was me who broke up, remember ?” Tetsurou says, voice raw.

“His fault.”

Tetsurou is not convinced.

  
  


_Kur_ _o_ _o,_

_I love you. I’m not sure you remember that but I do, and I love you._

_Tooru._


	4. say something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look it's me posting (aka not two weeks late)  
> enjoy i guess ?

_Tooru,_

_I listened to Kenma’s advice and changed my phone wallpaper, my computer’s, even my keychain. You know, the one you gave me for our two months anniversary, with the little plant. In a few minutes, you got out of my life faster than you had in these past few weeks. It’s strange not seeing you when I wake and turn off my alarm._

_I feel almost guilty for starting to breathe again_.

  
  


Terushima has been staring right at him for a good half an hour, and Tooru feels like he can breath in his cologne, even from the other side of the room. Maybe they got close without him noticing. Tooru only knows his name, and his reputation. It’s a bad one. For now, Tooru can’t be bothered, and he answers Terushima’s smile with as much seduction as he can muster.

It seems to work – Terushima sits down next to him, and starts talking.

“Weird seeing you alone at a party. Got dumped ?” he says, breath heavy with alcohol.

Tooru must not smell any better, and he ignores Terushima’s jab, and downs another glass, that he slams on the table near the previous ones.

“Hey, instead of getting hammered on cheap beer, I got better stuff nearby.”

“I’m content with what I have, thank you very much.”

“I’m making you an offer,” and Terushima’s eyes are desperate, just like his. Tooru follows him to a couch. There’s no alcohol in sight. An offer, right.

Hajime told him Tetsurou wouldn’t be here tonight.

  
  


_I didn’t think of you yesterday, not even once. I dreamt about you this night though, I dreamt about us, and I woke up screaming, feeling like I failed you somehow. I called Kenma, they said it was fine. I think they resent you more than I do._

_I don’t think I ever resented you_.

  
  


Tooru can’t help but see him everywhere, though, in too tight jeans and sloppy smiles. Terushima’s hand on his thigh feels like it’s burning. He doesn’t make a move to shove it away. It’s not doing anything wrong, after all. He’s not doing anything wrong.

Terushima’s voice rings too loud in his ears, howling to the moon to scare the ghosts away, but it’s good. It even covers up the music, a sugary song which makes him want to shove his head in a pillow and scream. Which makes him want to leave, to go far far away. He regrets even coming.

Terushima’s eyes are red, like he cried not too long ago. Tooru wants to do the same.

  
  


_It actually happens a lot lately. Not remembering you, or rather, forgetting how much it hurts when you’re not here. It’s still there, but I’m getting used to it. I’m trying to convince myself this is what I wanted._

_I saw you at the cafeteria and the only thing I thought was, damn, Tooru looks tired. I didn’t get up to talk to you. Bo and Akaashi didn’t notice anything_.

  
  


The party is in full swing now that the slow is over. Finally, the exciting part. Someone opened up a new pack of beers, but Tooru doesn’t have it in him to get up.

He must have slept, and dreamt of Tetsurou. Imagining that he’s here, that he saw him. That he didn’t say anything. Tooru wakes up to the bitter taste of alcohol and disillusionment, and he’s angry. Terribly angry, like he hasn’t been since they broke up. As if the mere fact that Tetsurou isn’t here i s a capital offence.

He’s more than tipsy, which is why he takes Terushima’s hand in his to lace their fingers. They’re mismatched, but Terushima’s skin has a pretty tan. His hand is too small.

“I thought you had an offer to make,” Tooru says.

  
  


_They kissed in front of me yesterday. They’d stopped doing it in front of me, after we broke up. They must have talked about it, maybe even with Kenma. It sounds like they pity me. It’s nice of them, still. They must have thought I was over it now, and I think they’re right._

_It didn’t hurt as much as it should have_.

  
  


Terushima smiles, almost predatory. His eyes have dark shadows underneath them, but they match his face, and his tongue piercing catches the dim light of the room. He looks ready to attack, or to fall asleep, like a prey decking out its last card, and Tooru is shaken by the contrast. Maybe that’s what he looks like too, with his shiny smile and his sickly complexion.

“I’ll kiss you if you’ll kiss me.”

“Wow, how savage,” Tooru mocks.

“That’s my deal,” Terushima plainly answers.

Two girls just went by, eyeing them with interest – that quickly changed into disgust when they saw them holding hands. Tooru doesn’t care. He feels so small in this cacophony and he needs something to hang onto.

Anything will do.

  
  


_I cry less and less, too. I’m just… empty ?_ _Numb. Insensitive, maybe, to have gotten b_ _etter_ _so quickly. To have given up without a fight. It’s been more than a month, Tooru._

_I don’t know how it’s going for you. I don’t think I’m ready to talk to you just yet_ .

  
  


Terushima’s lips taste like nothing when Tooru kisses him, a vague whiff of alcohol, maybe, probably coming from his own mouth. Tooru feels bad, nausea catching up onto him, but he refuses to let go. It’s tonight’s dare.

Terushima is the first to pull away. “Again,” he says, like it’s a spell.

Tooru obeys.

  
  


_I still wanna hold you in my arms but… it’s not this harrowing need I had at first. I’m not sure what to make of it. It must be part of getting better. I’m not sure what to make of most things, these days. I don’t know how to react._

_I don’t know if I still love you. I think I do, but I forgot how._

_If we talked now, would it come back ? I’m not so sure._

_Tetsurou_.


	5. talk me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look it's me doing an update that's not a week late

_Tetsurou,_

_I dreamt of you again. By again I mean, like I do every single night. And even during the day, apparently, because not forgetting you seems to be my new lifestyle. I dreamt you saw me yesterday, at the party. Hajime says you weren’t here, so I must have been wrong, I must have willed you there so we’d spend less time away from each other._

_You could have been there. I don’t know, I was with somebody_.

  
  


The party is way noisier than what Tetsurou expected. Or maybe he’s just tired. Bokuto says Tooru won’t be here, but the validity of that claim is still to be confirmed. Tetsurou still came. He wants to see him again. Maybe Bokuto knows this. He shouldn’t hope like that, but after one beer, two, three, all his uncertainties dissolve in the alcohol. A silhouette with dirty brown hair just slouched on the bar. He – it’s probably a man – is at his third drink. Tetsurou’s heart clenches at the sight.

Tooru.

He almost says it, a whisper Bokuto doesn’t hear, too busy encouraging Sugawara in his drinking competition.  They’re students, and Tetsurou has shadows under his eyes to rival a tanuki’s. The person – he can’t call them Tooru just yet, his heart won’t take it – takes a fourth drink, and seems to be looking directly at the blond in front of them. A little nod, that Tetsurou recognises for what it is. A dare, that he took up a ges ago. The blond smiles.

Tooru downs a fifth drink, and leaves with him.

  
  


_Terushima Yuuji. I’m not sure if you know hi_ _m_ _. He’s way too overrated, the dude’s a kitten. He kisses softly, so unlike you. I shouldn’t compare everything to how it was when you were still there, but there’s no one to stop me. Hajime wouldn’t be happy, he’s the one who got me out of the flat to party. I used to love partying, I don’t know when that changed. Probably around when spending time with you became more interesting_.

  
  


It _is_ Tooru. Tetsurou saw his face when he turned his head, felt-like under the dim lights of the room. Tetsurou is overcome with the need to hold him so close the limit between their bodies melts away.

“I’m getting myself a beer,” he says instead, face ashen.

Bokuto and Akaashi squint at him – maybe they knew he was there. Maybe they just wanted him to go out, to have fun, hoping he wouldn’t see Tooru. Too late, he thinks bitterly. Tooru and the blond have sat down on a couch and they aren’t moving – they don’t seem to be talking either. Tetsurou can barely see them, but Tooru looks exhausted, eyes half closed. He looks at Tetsurou and for a moment he can see recognition in Tooru’s gaze, but it’s quickly gone, and he turns towards the blond again. Tooru is looking at him like a safe haven in the middle of all those happy people.

Tetsurou can’t look away either.

  
  


_I don’t know what’s weirder, that I kissed a stranger to forget about you, or that I spent the r_ _est_ _night talking about you with him, when we’d finished. He kisses with his eyes closed, and I did too, for once. Easier to pretend, this way. He got dumped. He also deserved it, though way less than I did. When I see him, I feel like I don’t have the right to miss you so much. I still miss you. If you’d been here, if I’d talked to you, would you have sent me a_ _way_ _?_

  
  


The blond has a hand on Tooru’s thigh – it’s him, he’s so beautiful, he looks so pale, Tetsurou wants to run his finger through his hair and kiss him on the forehead. Tooru doesn’t seem to care, but jealousy is lighting a bonefire in Tetsurou’s entrails. He’s never wanted to hold someone so much. He’s never felt this much how he wasn’t allowed to.

Tooru talks to the blond who smiles, again – Tetsurou’s guts are quivering like  snakes at Tooru’s desperate, dangerous look. Tetsurou knows what’s gonna happen next, but he can’t look away, can’t turn away from the blond interlacing his fingers with Tooru’s, who doesn’t seem impressed. Tetsurou can feel his h eart scream that it’s because Tooru wants his hand, not the blond’s, but his b rain disagrees and he remains stuck.

He has to close his eyes when they kiss for the second time. The first was hard enough to witness.

  
  


_He told me I was right to still care about you. That’s not what I wanted to hear, not while I held a stranger’s hand to forget not being able to hold yours. We don’t talk, I’ll never know if you’d taken up my offer._

_I miss you. So much so that it’s become physical, an ache in my bones. Terushima said I was stupid for not talking to you. He knows it’s too late for him, while I’m still hanging onto every last straw. I’m not sure it’s a good idea_.

  
  


Akaashi finds him there, fists clenched, motionless.

“Sorry,” he says. “I thought he’d left. Hajime says he’d lost him, so I thought…”

“It’s ok, Akaashi.”

Tooru and the blond haven’t moved from the couch. They’re talking softly, too softly to be heard over the music filling the room. Tetsurou wonders how Tooru would react to seeing him there, knowing he’d seen everything.

Maybe, unlike him, Tooru truly does feel healed, and not just “in remission”. Maybe Tetsurou is doing less good than he thought. He wonders if Tooru would turn him down, should he make himself known. Probably.

  
  


_I dreamed of you again. Of us, when we were happy and my heart beat a little faster every time we held hands. When I had butterflies in my stomach at each and every kiss. I never stopped having butterflies, we just stopped kissing. I don’t know what’s worse, seeing it coming or doing nothing to avoid it._

_I love you, I love you still._

_Tooru_.


	6. back to december

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to can_i_be_your_star__love, because you've been commenting regularly and i couldn't thank you more for that. hope you and everyone enjoys !

_Tooru,_

_I couldn’t help answering your text. I don’t regret it, I think I needed that. Kenma still resents me for meeting up with you when I knew it’d go badly. I’m not sure how else it could have been, knowing you. It’s really your style, asking to meet up_ _only_ _to dump me better_.

  
  


**To: Tetsu**

Wanna have coffee ? I still have some of your stuff.

**From: Tetsu**

I can come take them

**To: Tetsu**

I’d rather do that outside the house

**From: Tetsu**

Sure. 10 am ?

A few messages and it’s done. Tooru doesn’t know if he feels lighter now, but it’s a good deed done. Soon he’ll be right when he says that he tried everything, that he’s at the end of his rope. Terushima would be disgusted with him right now, but neither he nor Hajime are responding to texts. No one to keep him from making a mess. That’s what he’d have done anyway, knowing himself.

Tooru picks his clothes meticulously, heart beating out of his chest, and the faint feeling doesn’t go away when he leaves their – his flat.

  
  


_I know I already said so but you’re_ _terrible to look at. Maybe because I care so much about you that it pains me not seeing your smile or the ton of h_ _airspray_ _you put in your hair. It’s dull. I don’t think you eat enough, or well, at least. Your sweater is too big on you. It’s one of mine, you must have done this on purpose._

_It shouldn’t get to me so easily_.

  
  


Tooru is at least ten minutes early, and it leaves him ample time to overthink this whole pathetic affair. Hajime sends five worried texts, that he doesn’t answer – afraid of chickening out when he’s come this far. The paper cards show through the pocket of his sweater, and Tooru hides them carefully when he realises that, taking them out one last time to read through his little speech. It’s really dramatic to write out how you’re gonna dump someone, he knows this. He couldn’t help himself. At least he’ll go down in a blaze of glory.

H e is pathetic.

  
  


_In your texts, you said you’d been doing better, those days. I can’t really believe that when you smile like you haven’t seen the sun in years._

_You took too long before speaking. I know you wrote everything down in advance – that’s a really_ you _thing to do. You think too much. Or not enough, since you don’t realise your ideas are all more stupid than the next. Maybe I’m the stupid one, for believing in them. In you. Giving me my stuff back, really ? Didn’t you think of anything better ? I am one hundred percent sure you’ve already thrown most of i_ _t_ _away. Keeping o_ _ur things_ _would mean you cared_ . 

  
  


Tetsurou is on time, as usual, and that’s for the best – Tooru couldn’t have waited any longer. He doesn’t look surprised by the lack of “stuff” Tooru is supposed to give h im , and h e sighs in relief. He couldn’t have stand to give it all back.

Neither of them dares to speak first, it seems. Tooru likes this moment of silent observation. He’d missed looking at Tetsurou. He’s so handsome under the pale sun of March, his hair still a mess, bags under his eyes, the grey tint to his skin peculiar to students who’ve had exams and after parties. He’s so handsome, Tooru feels his heart clench.

Tetsurou has to cough loudly for Tooru to get out of his dream state and start talking. He’s prepared everything, might as well say it.

“I’m sorry. For all I’ve done.”

“I don’t wanna hear it,” Tetsurou immediately says, and he’s half out of his chair already.

“Please. Stay.”

Tetsurou sits back down, slowly, as if it hurt. Tooru starts breathing again.

“I have one or two things to say, it won’t be long. And then you can go.”

  
  


_I don’t believe a word of what you said. It all rang false. As if you were forcing yourself to talk. And it made no sense, what you said. As if you’d only come back to hurt yourself – why would you do that ? When you seem to be doing so well without me ? You seem to have already found something, someone, better. I won’t interfere._

_If I’d thought I could make you happy, I would have_.

  
  


Seconds pass by so slowly, Tooru can hear his voice in slow motion, explaining to a voiceless Tetsurou that he’s doing better now. That he understood, in a sense, what made it all go south. That he messed up – everything. He messed up everything. His speech is K-drama worthy, and he can’t help the dryness in his throat by the time he’s finished.

“I know you left because you couldn’t stand it,” Tooru hears himself say. “And you’ll find better, I don’t doubt that. I won’t, though, I wanted you to know that.”

“Wait. Wait, you want – you want us to get together again ?” Tetsurou answers, in what Tooru thinks is a particularly cold voice.

“I didn’t say that at all !” he cries.

That’s all he wishes for.

“Then why the fuck did you say that ? Aren’t you done playing games with me, did you need more ?”

Tetsurou leaves, then, when Tooru’s throat is so tight he can’t answer, tears rolling down his cheeks.

  
  


_You know, I’m almost pissed at myself for still being in love with you._

_Tetsurou_.


	7. need you now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i'm one chapter away from the end... the thot plickens

_Tetsurou,_

_Hajime was home when I came back. He didn’t even ask me how it went, my face must have said it all. It’s been two days and Lev is worried about me being so pale. He was there when I realised I messed it all up, for real this time. I cried all night. Terushima is mad at me, as planned._

_I’m mad at myself even more than he is. As planned_.

  
  


Two days and a total of six hours of sleep, Kenma conspicuously absent, that’s what makes Tetsurou show up at Akaashi’s doorstep, a bag of taro mochi in hand as a “Sorry.” It’s one in the morning.

“Bokuto-san is still asleep,” he says, but he doesn’t look surprised.

“I came to see you, actually. And you can call him Koutarou when it’s just me, I’m not a stranger !”

Akaashi smiles, as if he’d forgotten he had friends, and for a moment Tetsurou wants to close the door and end the night on a happy face. He doesn’t want to mess it up like he messed up with Tooru. He wants them to stay friends forever, even though “forever” doesn’t exist.

“Come in, I’ll make some tea.”

Bokuto waves faintly from his place on the couch, before falling back asleep. Tsukishima doesn’t look away from his computer screen. Tetsurou feels calmed down by their quiet presence. The kitchen is homey, a little messy – it reminds him of Tooru. His stomach clenches.

“What did he do this time,” Akaashi says, and Tetsurou starts talking.

  
  


_I don’t even remember why I decided I’d do this. Or rather, I know perfectly well why I did it, and how stupid it was. Make sure you’d never come back, what a joke. Saying “I still love you” would have worked. But no, I had to be complicated, as usual, and on top of making myself unlovable, I ruined our last meeting_.

  
  


He’s spent hours chewing out their meeting. It tasted like “goodbye”, and he tears up at the mere thought – frustrated tears. Against all odds, Tetsurou doesn’t want this to be their last meeting. Anything but this. He’d rather have an uncomfortable friendship, something, some semblance of contact, anything but this black hole that’s been eating at him for weeks.

“He thinks I left so I could find someone better,” Tetsurou ends up saying. He spits out the words like they’re too sour, voice so close to Tooru’s he lets himself believe there’s still a chance. “But he doesn’t want us to get back together. I didn’t even have time to say I didn’t want to. Leave, I mean,” he adds, after Akaashi shoots him a disbelieving glance.

  
  


_I don’t think you’d listen if I told you I have more to say now. I don’t think you’d want to, or that it’d be a good idea. I’m gonna sound selfish, and stupid, but I have never wanted to talk to you more than during these past two days._

  
  


“All right. Fucking listen to me.” Akaashi seems decided in the issue. Tetsurou must look miserable, and he is, to never have the courage to come back and apologise, but it’s too late for that now. “I’m sick of seeing you moping around. If you’d actually broken up, I’d maybe get it, but no, you’re just too fucking dumb to see the truth.”

If he had the brain space left for it, Tetsurou would esteem the fact that Akaashi is awake enough to make full sentences, when the bags under his eyes are eating up half his face. Not sleeping seems to be a recurring theme around him, maybe they should all take care. Tetsurou tries not to listen to the voice telling him he did care, but that sometimes, it’s just not enough.

“I talked to Hajime about it,” Akaashi says. “You and Oikawa. We agreed on not saying anything, because we thought it’d be best if you had time to breathe-”

“What the fuck ?” Tetsurou cuts him short, before swallowing down his protests under Akaashi’s death glare.

“-but obviously, you’re both idiots and you’re not doing any better.” Akaashi softens when he says it, as if Tetsurou was worrying him, and he feels guilty about inflicting this on his friends. Tetsurou tries to smile. It feels like a grimace. “I didn’t wanna tell you, I thought you’d fare better without knowing it. Without the fights.” Akaashi breathes in deeply, as if the words pain him. “Hajime keeps saying this idiot is still in love with you.”

  
  


_I don’t even know what to say. I just wanna be with you. I miss you, always – it’s worse now that I have no hope to hold onto._ _Hajime says you never need hope to try, or at least, I didn’t, as if he knew that being with you again was the only thing I could think about as we talked. He didn’t try to push me, he knows I’ll do something stupid_ _even_ _without his prompting_.

  
  


“But-”

“No buts. Now that you have that piece of information, go home. Think it through.” Akaashi’s voice is merciless.

Tetsurou doesn’t even take the time to say bye to Bokuto and Tsukishima, too lost in thought to pay attention to anything until he miraculously ends up at his door.

Tooru still loves him.

  
  


_The worst part is, in two days, I emptied the boxes of pictures, cleaned up the shelf of all your mugs, thrown all your clothes in a bag to go in the cellar. The house is half as empty, but way less sad when I don’t have everything reminding me of you every two minutes._

_Of course, I kept that up for two hours. I guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all_.

  
  


Tetsurou sleeps like a log. He eats his breakfast, goes to class, comes back home. Everything goes well – he remembers nothing of this day.

Tooru still loves him.

  
  


_I miss you. I keep messing up since we broke up and if that’s the worst reason possible to get back together, it doesn’t change the fact that I miss you._

_I love you still,_

_Tooru._

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL CHAPPY ENJOY

_Tooru,_

_It’s kinda weird writing_ _to_ _you when you’re actually in the room. I still can’t believe it, which is probably why I’m still writing t_ _hese_ _shitty letters you’ll never read. Even Kenma doesn’t know about the_ _m_ _. I should have taken the hint, that writing to you meant something, but I’m particularly dense whenever you’re concerned._

  
  


Kenma keeps shooting him icy glares from their seat, which is a feat, considering they’re a few rows down. Tooru can see him turn around and give him a nasty look.

That’s better than the punch in the guts he got when they broke up.

“Never,” Kenma hissed, “get close to him again. Or else…” Tooru had spent the night crying.

Tooru is kind of tired of crying. It’s perhaps to late to come to this conclusion, but still. The first step to stop being a wreck is realising you’re a wreck, according to Hajime, so let’s d o this .

“Shut up,” is Kenma’s elegant answer to his quivering “Hello.” “I don’t wanna have that talk with you.”

What talk ? Tooru’s surprise must show, considering the death glare he receives from Kenma.

“Fucking ask Hajime about it,” is Kenma’s cryptic answer.

Tooru feels like he missed something – mindless chatter, revelations. He sighs. Hajime doesn’t answer the five texts he send to him.

  
  


_It’s strange writing to you when I could just talk to you instead. I just realised this, although it was so obvious, so easy, that I should have r_ _ealised_ _that_ _way sooner that all we needed was to communicate. I had the solution right there, in front of me._

 _You’re sleeping next to me on the couch_.

  
  


Tooru mulls over it all throughout the day, and he just… doesn’t get it. He really, truly, does not understand – or does he ? All his wildest hopes don’t hold a candle to what could be the truth.

Maybe he didn’t mess it up all the way. Maybe, after all, there’s something to be salvaged from this shipwreck. Tooru spies on the volleyball practice of that day, and smiles when Tetsurou blocks a particularly nasty spike. Claps on his back, shouts of “One more !”, and Tooru realises how much he misses volleyball. He doesn’t regret quitting, it was the right decision at the time, but… watching Tetsurou like this, he wants, he aches, for him to spike one of Tooru’s tosses.

Tooru follows him home from a distance, and he thinks he’s being sneaky.

  
  


_I don’t think I regret breaking up with you. I do regret not reaching out sooner, a_ _lthough_ _… I can’t help but think that you being here is the result of weeks thinking about us. About what works for us, what we want to do, what we want to change. Maybe we’d have made the same mistakes, had we talked earlier. Maybe we’re ready now_ .

  
  


T etsurou closes the door of his apartment and Tooru suddenly realises that he doesn’t have a clue on what he’s supposed to do next. Ring the doorbell ? K ick the door down if he has to ? What if Tetsurou never wants to talk to him again ?  H e’d be perfectly in his right, considering how crass Tooru was to him. The air is chilly, and he forgot his coat. He barely slept t his week.  H e’s tired and hungry and lovesick. He’s ready now, perhaps.

  
  


_You just woke up. Or maybe, it was me who didn’t pay enough attention and you’ve been awake for a while, looking at me write. I missed this, it’s crazy how much I missed this. Basking in your presence_.

  
  


Tooru doesn’t even have to knock. The door opens on a cautious Tetsurou, face barely visible in the small opening, and he looks – god, he looks so good in the orange light from the street lamps.

“I’m sorry,” Tooru says. He doesn’t add anything, because that’s all he came to say. He has no big speech about how Tetsurou should give him a second chance – more like, a third chance.

“Come in,” Tetsurou says. He moves away from the door and Tooru could cry – the whole house smells like Tetsurou. “You look dead on your feet. Couch has a plaid and pillows.”

“Thank you,” Tooru says.

  
  


_I’ve never been this cliché, so when you read this letter, enjoy. Laugh. I hope we can laugh about this together in a few years. Yeah, I’m thinking big. Now that I got a hold of you, I’m never letting go_.

  
  


Tooru wakes up groggy, eyes half closed with sleep, and he yawns loudly. Tetsurou startles – he was at his desk, writing something. He looked so focused, like the whole world had disappeared and only he and the paper remained. Tooru wonders what he’s writing about. He thinks back on the unsent letters piling up in his dorm, and he laughs, harder and louder than he has in weeks.

  
  


_You suddenly started laughing. I have no clue as to why, but it was a beautiful sound to hear. You’re beautiful, even like this. I’m happy you’re sharing this with me._

_I love you,_

_Tetsurou_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it <3333 it was a labour of love, kudos and comments would mean the world  
> special thanks to Rocky54u and can_i_be_your_star__love for commenting not once, but several times, you two are the real mvps !!!

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked it, please remember to leave kudos and comments !! have a good day !


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